Painful Decision
by trycee
Summary: Scully decides she is done waiting on Mulder to grow up.    Short story, pure Angst!


**Painful Decision**

**by Trycee**

**Time Frame: Season 7 before All Things:**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Files. It is owned by Chris Carter and Fox. This is written for fun, not profit.**

"What the hell am I doing here anyway?", Scully screamed as she glared at Mulder in his dimly lit hotel room.

"You don't like the assignment, go home then Scully!", he said, dropping onto his hotel room bed.

"You son-of-a bitch!", she said, her fists in a ball.

"You forgot selfish son-of-a-bitch!", he said, pushing the on-button of the remote.

Scully stood near him wishing she could hit him. "You don't give a shit, do you Mulder? You don't care who you hurt!"

"What are you talking about?", he said, staring ahead at the TV.

"Why do I even bother? Why am I wasting my life, my youth on you!"

"Whats that supposed to mean?", he said, sitting up.

"Why should I even stay? You just run off and leave me somewhere to go find your truth without concern if my life is in danger or not! Its all about Fox Mulder and his pursuit of the truth...its all about you and I'm sick of it!", she said, turning to the opened door of their adjoined room. She walked over to her bed, but began to pace the floor. Mulder followed behind her.

"What are you saying to me?", he said, his face pained. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"I'm saying," she said slowly, her blue eyes glazed with anger. "There's no point of me continuing in this capacity! You can have your truth Mulder, you can have your damn X-Files. I'm done, I'm finished. I can't do this any more!"

Mulder looked down at her. She was flustered avoiding his eyes. He turned and walked out the front door of her hotel room, slamming the door. Scully stood there in shock, listening until she heard the car start off and Mulder drive away. She slumped down in the chair next to her, tears streaming down her face. She needed to talk to someone but she had no one else to talk too. She hung her head down and cried.

Scully checked the clock, it was 4 am when she heard Mulder walk back into his room. She could hear him flip on the television and she heard the wrestle of a paper bag and the clinging of glass. She had waited for him to return to his hotel room but hours had passed by. She had dressed in one of her silk nightshirts and pants, and slipped into the unfamiliar bed but she couldn't sleep. She didn't know where he was or what he was doing.

The day had started joyfully...they had joked as they checked into another hotel with a name she couldn't pronounce on a case she knew had very little to do with scientific reasoning...but Mulder had been pumped up, excited to search for an alien ship rumored to have fallen 35 years before in Kecksburg, Pennsylvania. It was chilly here and Mulder had placed his suit jacket around her shoulders, making him laugh at the sight of her dressed in his clothes, he tried rolling up her sleeves but they kept falling back. She had loved the smell of his cologne and the way he lovingly touched her as he attempted to keep the sleeves from falling down. His source, a man named Herbert Stevens watched them carefully from a distance, as he chewed on a piece of hay. He spit it out as the agents approached him. "Mr. Mulder? Mrs. Mulder?", the man questioned.

Scully blushed bright red, her eyes fixed on Mulder. He blushed back and reluctantly corrected the man, "No, Agent Scully.", he said, with regret. "And I'm Agent Mulder."

The man watched them a second more and then turned to the woods."This is where it came down. You have to know where it was. I'll take you there."

They had followed behind the man walking through a path of overgrown grass, underneath thick scarred trees until they came to the spot reportedly the sight of the downed U.F.O. They surveyed the area but couldn't quite determine what had occurred there over thirty five years before.

"Its hard to distinguish anything with all this overgrowth," Scully said, trying not to fall over. Mulder held her arm, lifting her up over large trees that had been knocked down and then placing her back down to walk on her own.

"The army came and removed the object...it was a sight to see," the older man said.

"I thought it was reported to be a Soviet space probe or something like that..." Scully said, walking a few paces away from Mulder.

"Witnesses in Canada, Michigan, Ohio, and Pennsylvania saw a fireball in the evening sky, Scully. Besides...that Soviet space probe, as you called it...The Cosmos 96, a Russian Venera probe came down no where near this area and it was seen hours earlier than this."

"But where's the proof, Mulder?", Scully said, looking at the wooded area around her.

"The proof is in the fact that the military cordoned off this entire area, they removed something on a truck, and witnesses including a newspaper man were silenced. They even made him retract his reports."

"You can see the trees were burnt at the top," the man said, pointing up.

Mulder looked up."Something definitely burnt the top of those trees."

Scully hadn't been convinced. "Mulder, why are we investigating a UFO case that has been investigated numerous times?"

"Because its the Eastern version of Roswell, Scully, 18 yrs after Roswell. They recovered a complete ship."

The old man turned to Mulder whispering. "I have more evidence but its not the place for your lady over there."

Scully looked up at them both. She knew what was coming. "Mulder, no! We're partners."

"Just do this, Scully. I'll tell you what I find."

He handed her the keys and she slid out of his suit jacket, handing it back to him. He walked off to follow behind the old man. She walked back behind them until they came up to their cars. He jumped into the car with the old man without even looking back at her. She stood there a moment, climbed into their rental car and went back to the hotel. He hadn't called her for hours nor did he pick up his phone when she called him. She had been frantic, pacing a hole in the cheap hotels carpet, kicking up years of dust, dead bugs, and other allergens, which made her sneeze. He finally came strolling in around 6 pm without saying a word...a pizza in his hand. By then Scully was livid and they had the fight. She had barely noticed the knock on the door probably from a neighbor as they screamed at each other at the top of their lungs. Now she listened to every sound he made from in his hotel room...she could hear the faint sound of cries coming from his side. She knew from experience that he was trying to keep it silent. She knew also that he was drinking...she could almost smell the frozen orange juice and vodka waft into her side.

_'Why should I care, _she thought to herself. _Why do I care? He never understands how I feel. He just goes off and leaves me. I could get killed and he would never care. He could get killed and I wouldn't know where he is. He never follows protocol. He's not supposed to go off leaving his partner but Mulder has always been a selfish son-of-a-bitch that cares nothing about anyone but himself...its more than that though. After all these years, shouldn't he care enough to NOT leave me. Shouldn't he care enough to let me know where he is.'_

Mulder's cries were increasing in intensity. She got up and slipped on her slippers, cursing herself for giving a shit. She knocked but he didn't answer, so she opened the door and found him curled up on his bed, his back against the headboard, his hands over his head. "Mulder", she said, approaching him. He didn't move and she went over to his side, and touched his hands. He lifted his head and she could see the tears streaming down his face. "Mulder..."

Mulder shook his head. "What do you want?"

She was taken back but continued. "Are you drunk?"

"Who cares if I am?"

"I do!"

"Since when...", he stumbled. "You got a life to lead...you got a life to get a single person cares if I'm drunk!"

"Stop with the self depreciation shit, Mulder!", she said, anger rising.

"Why not?", he said, grabbing the bottle off the nightstand and tilting it up towards his lips, he missed and the liquid spilled down his chin. Scully reached out her hand to wipe his mouth but he grabbed her hand and held it. "Just go!", he said, angrily.

"Go? Go! You want me to go!"

"Hey, quiet in there," a man screamed for the next room.

"I'll go Mulder!", she said, turning towards the adjoining door. She stopped in her tracks and turned back. "You know...I'm the only one that cares about your sorry ass! I'm the only one that cares about you period!", she said, pointing at him. "I'm the only one that loves you so much!"

She turned to walk through the door but stopped. "What did I say?"

Mulder jumped up from the bed and grabbed her, drunkenly holding her against his chest. "I love you too Scully."

She placed her hand on his chest and pulled away, tears streaming down her face. "I can' can't give me what I want!"

Mulder stood there a moment, trying to sober himself. He walked in after her and knelt down next to her as she sat on the edge of the bed. He was eye to eye with her, placing his hand on the bed locking her in. "Mulder, you're drunk," she sighed, wiping the tears away.

"I was," he said, looking her directly in the eyes. "But now I'm do you mean I can't give you what you want, Scully?"

"You just can't," she said, noticing that she was caged in by his arms. "You can't."

"What do you want from me?"

"Nothing," she said, avoiding his eyes, though it was hard because he was directly in front of his face.

"Tell me, damn it Scully. We've been through too much together to be playing these games! Tell me!", he screamed.

"You can't give me what I need Mulder.I need more than this!"

"What? What is it?", he said, grabbing her arms, roughly. He noticed his grip and eased up. "What can't I give you?"

"All of you...", she whispered.

"All of me?"

"Your time. Your devotion, your love, without you running off and not caring if I'm there, not caring if I'm hurt...not caring if I'm worried about you. You can't give me that."

Mulder's hazel eyes were wet from tears. "Scully, you're everything to me."

"No, I'm not, Mulder. I never was. You're everything to me though."

"How can you say that you're not everything to me. Scully, I'd die for you. I've loved you more years than you'll ever know. I can't breath without you. How can you say that?"

Tears streamed down Scully's face and she covered her face with her hands. Mulder pulled her into him, resting her head on his shoulder. "Scully,you're my world. I love you so much. I can't ever imagine being without you. They'd have to put me in my grave."

He listened to her muffled cries. "Tell me what to do, Scully. Tell me what you need. I can't lose you, I can't. It would be like the very breath in my lungs leaving if you did."

She looked up at him and could see the hurt in his eyes. He continued on, "Every time you say you're gonna leave me.", he said, gulping for air. "I...I..."

She grabbed him then, watching as he had a mild panic attack. "Mulder...calm down...its okay. I'm not leaving you."

"You tell me you are all the time.", he whispered.

"No, I don't," she said defensively.

"You've said it several times," he said, looking her in the face. "It kills me every time you say it. Like I was dead."

"I'm sorry.", she said, rubbing her fingers through his hair. "It was a cruel thing to do. I was just upset."

"At me going off without you?"

She shook her head."That's part of it but not all of it. You just don't seem to be concerned about what happens to me when you go off like you do. Like that time you went off with Jeremiah Smith. That bounty hunter held me in the car at gun point all night long until you finally called me. Or like tonight, I have ulcers from worrying about you, Mulder. _If_ you love someone, Mulder,you don't disappear on them."

He lowered his head and she laid her forehead on top of his. "I'm sorry", she heard him say. "You never told me that you were held at gunpoint. I never considered your feelings, Scully and I'm sorry but please don't leave me over it. I need you...I love you..."

"I know, Mulder. I'm sorry I said that. I'm sorry that I've used 'leaving you' against you. I know it would devastate you. I just feel...lost sometimes."

"Why?

She lifted her head up and he looked into her eyes. "Why?", he said again.

"Because I don't know where I stand with you. I don't know what will happen between us. I don't know if you'll ever stop chasing after the unknown to be with me."

"You want me to give up the X-Files, Scully? If it means losing you I will."

She wiped her eyes, and then wiped his tears. "No, Mulder, I could never ask you to do that...that's your life. I just want to be apart of it...I want to have you there with me. I want to be selfish and have you near me, to spend time together without all the evil getting in the way. I don't know if I'll be a 40 yr old woman, unmarried, still waiting on you to grow up.", she said, bitterly, sitting back.

Mulder stood up and sat next to her, he held her hands, and lifted her chin so she could look him in the eyes. "I'm ready to grow up, Scully. I'm ready to make that step .I know before when I told you I loved you. I know why you didn't believe me then. You were waiting for me to stop chasing monsters but I'm ready to devote myself fully to you."

She smiled at his words. "I don't want you to give up your quest, that's not what I'm asking. I just want you to be with me...attentive to me...Is that being selfish?"

"I'm selfish when it comes to you," he laughed. "I'm more than selfish when it comes to you. I want you all to myself too but I didn't think you were ready."

"Ha," she laughed. "I guess I wasn't. I didn't want to ruin our friendship, our partnership over this."

"What's changed?"

"Well, I blurted out that I loved you earlier," she joked. "But,I guess I'm ready too."

"Fascinating!", a man screamed from the next room. "Now will you two shut up!"

Mulder smiled and then turned back towards Scully. "I love you...I love you..."

She teared up and leaned into his shoulder. "I love you too," she sighed. "Mulder, I'm tired now.I'm emotionally drained at this point."

"Me too," he said, rubbing his hand down her back. "Can I lay next to you?"

"I'm not ready for anything.", she said, looking at him.

"I'm not asking that.", he said, touching her face. "I only want to hold you. I need to hold you, Scully."

"Okay," she said, breathlessly.

She pushed back the covers, and Mulder climbed in next to her. She turned to her side and he kissed her on the cheek. He reached over and turned off the light, and then wrapped his arm around her. She struggled to close her eyes. She could feel the heat radiating from his body as he snuggled up to her. He was still fully clothed in his shirt, minus the tie, and slacks and socks. She could hear Mulder snore lightly next to her and then she drifted off to sleep.

The End

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